I Found Nemo at Media Markt

I've been in serious need of a USB drive to replace my last one....let's just say it's from back when a 128 MB thumbdrive was considered large....

But it's not something you ever remember to buy and I hadn't seen any that really said "BUY ME!!!" until I saw this guy. I know clownfish don't really speak, but he got the message across loud and clear

"The Onion" style vacation report

Tourist faces criminal charges, awaiting extradition if found

A woman identified only as "Frau A" returned to Munich from a two-week holiday in the Maldives, but now has more problems than just sorting out hundreds of vacation photos.  Rather than simply enjoying a quite time in this island paradise, locals are claiming that she was a serial stalker that did nothing but harass inhabitants day and night.

According to Maldivian authorities, a large number of grievances were logged on Rangali Island and its surrounding reefs.  Reports indicate that Frau A routinely followed and photographed victims for hours at a time, even into in their private homes.  Nobody was spared - the list of complainants includes nearly every size, age, and race found among the natives.

The most chilling examples from her victims are described below:

"I was just hanging out under my favorite coral, when Frau A comes out of nowhere and sticks a camera in my face."

"I just try to blend in and mind my own business, but she has an eagle-eye and always finds me."

"I'm not colorful or flashy like others in the neighborhood, but Frau A poked her camera in my home anyway.  The surgeonfish and parrotfish must be tormented."

The experience left some residents so traumatized that they would only peek their heads through doors to speak with the news.  "Even my security system didn't help.  I'm afraid to let the kids outside."

"At least some clowns out here have a place to hide.  I'm stuck looking for holes in the coral."

"It's terrifying.  How would you feel to round a corner and be faced with this???"

Indeed, Frau A appears to be a highly sophisticated fauna-paparazza.  She employs the latest technology in her quest to capture images of locals.  Here she is seen with a kit of compressed air, 2-stage regulators, and buoyancy compensator to reach normally uninhabitable regions.

Even the toughest residents were unnerved by her incessant photography.  "It's cliched, but I tried crawling under a rock.  No luck - there she was again."

For some, the stakes were even higher.  "I felt pretty secure, until I heard that she planned a lobster barbeque on the beach.  It's not fair!"

The loudest complaints came from the stingray community, where accusations included unwanted groping.  "She put her foot over my favorite resting place, so I had to swim up and rest on it.  I felt violated."

Not all share the same viewpoint, however.  "I followed her around a bit - she's not so bad.  Just didn't give me any handouts, is all."

The Rangali Island Neighborhood Watch program has asked for your help - let the authorities know if you were stalked and photographed by this woman.  Be careful, she is considered camera-ready and dangerous.

Update:  Law enforcement has learned that Frau A worked with an accomplice called Herr J.  They want to find him and bring him in for questioning.  "Protective shell or not, I knew he was out there... helping her... looming..."

Eccentric Gazillionaire Dreams

What crazy things would you do if you were an eccentric gazillionaire?

A lot of people would have sharks with lasers à la Dr. Evil, or just sharks under the living room floor like Vector from "Despicable Me". After a couple of weeks at the beach, I know what I would do:

I want a reef-sized "aquarium" with lots of Triggerfish.  Some sharks would be cool, too, but I really want Triggerfish. They're not only beautiful, but highly intelligent and seeming to have distinct personalities.

I'd have lots of the cute little blue scaredy-cat Red-Toothed Triggerfish that hide in mini caves....

Red-Toothed Triggerfish

...more Red-Toothed Triggerfish (one of the four has already slid into a hole to hide)...

....adorable little Picasso Triggerfish....

Picasso Triggerfish

...brightly painted Clown Triggerfish.....

Clown Triggerfish...interestingly colored Orange-lined Triggerfish....

Orange-lined Triggerfish

....and of course, the big smart Titans that root around everywhere and just look squeezable.  Wouldn't he be an entertaining pet? 

I took this video while snorkeling through the reef just off our room's beach. He also has an Orange-lined friend there to catch his scraps.

Also there will be rays that I can raise from babies to know me and feed in the morning.  And Herr J wants a pet octopi or two.

Ray hiding in the sandHowever, this requires lots of space and diverse terrain.  Triggerfish need space because they don't play well together (putting it nicely).  The Red-Toothed ones need deeper water and walls with lots holes to hide in, while the Picasso are happy with a small coral formation shallow water. And the rays need a nice shallow sandy area to hang out.

More importantly, as I learned from watching one last week, Triggerfish eat hermit crabs, and hermit crabs are kinda cute. And of course I want to keep both of them.  This is where both the "eccentric" and the "gazillionaire" part are important, because the only solution I see is to get custom manufactured military grade ceramic shells for the hermit crabs to protect them from the Triggerfish. In a wide range of sizes to allow for growth, of course. 

(All of the above pictures are ones I took diving or snorkeling in the Maldives)

I think for now I'll keep diving and will see about Umbra's cool stackable fish condos, but I'm curious to know all of your eccentric gazillionaire dreams.

German Beer, American-style Bottle?

One of the Erdinger Brewery's nine beer offerings is the Erdinger Champ, described on their website as "the cool Weißier."

(I'm not going to even get into how bad the translation is on Erdinger's own English website....it would be a very long post.  Though I may have to write them and let them know how they're really missing the meaning.)

 

However, I think the bottle design may be really cool and innovative.  It's your typical American-style longneck bottle, but according to their website:

"features an integrated opener on the bottom for extra convenience. Simply place one Erdinger Champ on top of another to twist open the bottom bottle. As you can see, it's always best to order two bottles and enjoy Erdinger Champ in company!"

Sure, it's a bit unnecessary in Texas, where most beers are twist-off or you can always find an Aggie whose class ring serves as an emergency beer opener, but it's a cool idea.

The reviews of the beer are pretty bad and as I've never seen it sold or advertised anywhere despite being introduced 10 years ago with a heavy marketing campaign, I doubt it's done very well. In fact it might be a good candidate for a Marketing or Strategy case study about how (not) to position your product....

But my first thought upon seeing this on the Erdinger site was "Is this supposed to be like an American beer?" It may seem minor, but the shape and size of the bottle, plus the fact that it is meant to be drunk from the bottle, are nearly heretical here in southern Bavaria.  There are both a proper glass and a proper way to pour a Weißier.

Erdinger Champ, in its 0.33 mL longneck

Erdinger, in the standard 0.5 mL bottle and glass

As much as I may mock the rules sometimes, we have seen that temperature and pouring method DO actually affect the taste (and probably the glass shape, though we haven't tested those yet).  In reality, most German beers will give you a good beer experience however you pour them, but it is possible to optimize the experience if you want.

 
What is the proper way to pour a Weißier?

Here we have "Brother Helmut" to help us out

And a very non-traditional, but totally accurate mechanical version for all you boys who like toys

Feeling Tarty: The First Dunkelweißbier Round

The German Beer Wars have also been a great excuse to play around in the kitchen. Luckily I have a willing guinea pig who will eat almost anything.

Tonight’s competitors: Dunkel Weißbier and 3 courses of tarts. 

 Tonight's Competitors, and the growing collection of bottlecaps

We kicked off the Dunkel Region with some Dunkelweißbiers from the Bavarian heavy hitters Paulaner, Erdinger, Franziskaner, and König Ludwig.  Erdinger and Franziskaner make only Weißbier - Erdinger is a private brewery outside Munich that brews 9 varieties, including seasonal, light, and non-alcoholic; Franziskaner brews 5 varieties and is part of the Spaten-Löwenbräu-Gruppe, now owned by Anheuser-Busch InBev.  Of the 5 Franziskaners, we have 3 in the tournament (the other two are Light and Alcohol-Free, thus not in the competition).

König Ludwig, the royal brewery, brews a wide variety of beers, covering the main types and seasonal and regional beers. Their weißbiers are pretty well-regarded around here, so we were curious to see how they stacked up with the wießbier specialists. 

 

In the first competition pitting Erdinger Dunkel vs König Ludwig, we found the König Ludwig to be extremely smooth and drinkable.  It was surprisingly light for a dunkelweißbier, which is why we had to pick the Erdinger Dunkel as the winner. It had a lovely dark color and wonderful classic dark beer flavoring combined with the sweetness and fullness of the weißbier. 

In the second, the Franziskaner beat out Paulaner's Hefe-Weissbier Dunkel due to it's slightly more complex flavorings. 

The next round was similar, with the Erdinger noticeably darker and more flavorful than the Franziskaner. We'd happily drink either, but the Erdinger just had a better, richer taste and therefore earns a spot in the Sweet Sixteen.

In terms of the food, all three were winners and the beef pie is always a crowd pleaser (and better yet, simple to make and freeze for later).

Tomato Tarts, Schwarzbier Beef Pie, and Pine Nut Tartelettes

Yes, yes, I know.... the beef pie isn’t exactly a tart, but it’s a great excuse to buy cute little ramekins…which just means I need to make chocolate lava cakes now!  Here are the recipes:

Tomato and Caramelized Onion Tartelettes – adapted from a BBC recipe here

This one works pretty much true to the recipe, other than I always need to add a little cold water when making the dough. It makes an impressive looking and tasty large tart. For tonight, I just made it in 4 tartelette pans rather than one large tart.

Schwarzbier Mini Beef Pies – adapted from an Australian recipe (I've also made with Guiness and it's equally tasty. Will try with Starkbier and some of the more flavorful Dunkelbiers soon) 

Ingredients: (Makes 6-8 pies, depending on your ramekin size)

• 2 kg (4.4 lbs) roast beef ("rinderbraten" in German supermarkets)
• 3 sliced onions
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 Tbsp oil
• 2/3 cup flour
• 400 mL (1 3/4 cups) Schwarzbier 
• 475 mL (2 cups) beef broth
• Puff pastry (Tante Fanny's here is perfect and flaky)
• 1 egg, beaten

 Instructions:

1. Cut roast beef into cubes and chop in batches in food processor. (Alternately you could use ground beef, but this has a better result)

2. In a large pot, brown the beef in 1 Tbsp oil, then set aside. In the same pot, cook the sliced onions and garlic in the remaining oil until golden. Sprinkle in 2/3 cup plain flour and cook for 1 min.

3. Return the meat to the pot with the onions.  Add the Schwarzbier and beef stock, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover the pot, and simmer for 1 1/2 hours until tender.  Uncover and continue to cook until sauce has reduced and thickened.

4. Preheat oven to 200°C (390°F).  Spoon beef mixture into ovenproof ramekins. Cut out circles of the puff pastry to cover - size should be slightly larger than the top of the ramekin. Press pastry firmly onto dishes and seal. Brush with the beaten egg, place on a tray and bake for 25 minutes until golden.

I often make larger batches to freeze. After step 3, wrap in plastic wrap, then in foil to freeze. Make sure to thaw fully before cooking.

Pine Nut Tartelettes – from Tartelette

This one works exactly as written...it will seem that the dough will never come together, but in the end it does work and is worth the effort!

(If you haven’t discovered her blog yet, head on over there….the recipes always work out perfectly and the pictures are beautiful!)

Car Crazy

Germany is definitely a car culture.  It is one of the few countries in the world where you still bring your car(s) into the shop twice a year to switch from summer to winter tires.  Most all-seasons are good enough for normal driving even in snow.  Here, however, they want to squeeze every last bit of performance from their vehicle, despite the fact that the extra set of tires costs $750 or more, plus $100 in service each time they get them switched.  (Note:  In some places, they have laws that if you get into an accident in winter without winter tires on, you might automatically be at fault!)

But this post is really about my favorite car reviewer, Dan Neil.  He used to write car reviews for the LA Times, but now is with the Wall Street Journal.  He's won a Pulitzer, and it's easy to see why -- he combines humor, social commentary, and actual auto knowledge into reviews that are just plain fun to read.

His all-time funniest review is about the Corvette ZR1 ("Burning the world's oil for a good cause").  Really worth the read.
Don't believe me?  Here are some of my favorite exerpts as a taste of his writing:

Acura RDX:
...I suppose Acura's new crossover SUV could be better. It could, for instance, run on recycled Victoria Secret catalogs or the renderings from Star Jones Reynolds' recent weight-loss program. It could fairly reapportion congressional districts every time you turn the key or make sure Steven Seagal never-never-never makes another blues album... Is it well made? Are Oprah's diamond earrings real?

 

Audi Q5:
The most astonishing thing about my time in the 2009 Audi Q5 was that I actually took it off road, with dirt and everything. Granted, I was in the Brentwood neighborhood of West Los Angeles, where the creeks burble with Bollinger and raccoons wear rhinestone collars. Nonetheless, for most buyers in the compact luxury sport-utility segment, my little excursion on a home construction site might as well have been crossing the Gobi.

 

BMW 135i:
Let's begin with a verity, an undeniable truth that is evident from 3 feet away or from the cold distance of outer space: The new 1-series BMW is ugly. Seriously ugly. Ugly with X-wings locked in attack formation. Spare me your E.H. Gombrich or Helen Gardner. I know an ugly car when one blows past me at 100 mph.

 

Chrylser Town & Country:
...the 2008 Chrysler Town & Country Limited just might be the sexiest vehicle a man could ever drive.  This 2 1/2 -ton pachyderm, with window shades and the Cartoon Network on satellite TV, is sexier than a Ferrari. If [females] are heeding their instincts at all, they are looking for a man with patriarchal bearing... So the next time you have a blind date, roll up in the Town & Country minivan and just listen to the biological bells go off... And, not insignificantly, the thing goes like stink. Our tester had Chrysler's 4.0-liter, 253-hp V6 buttoned to a new six-speed transmission. Hang on to your juice boxes, kids.

 

Mini Cooper JCW:
The BMW-built 2004 Mini Cooper is not a perfect automobile...The back seat is the automotive equivalent of a spider hole in Tikrit. The ride is rough enough to disqualify you from future organ donations... But the Mini turns the most galling stop-and-go errand into an occasion for joyous gear-jamming and games of Diss the SUV...With its turning radius of a mere 34.2 feet, the Mini is brought to you by the letter U, as in U-turn. See a parking place on the other side of the street? You are on it like Snoop on a fatty.

 

Lexus IS-F:
This car started life as a Lexus IS350...then it got rabies...The IS-F is equipped with an EIGHT-speed automatic transmission, in which the gear ratio intervals are very evenly spaced. Eight speeds happen to correlate to eight notes of the diatonic scale -- do, re, mi, etc. If you hold the throttle and speed steady, and you shift up and down with the shifter paddles, you can actually coax simple melodies out of the stacked-pipe quad exhaust, for instance, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." And, yes, I get paid for this.

 

Honda Accord:
I was sitting at a red light when they rolled up beside me, the guy riding his Suzuki Do-Me 8000 with his hot female companion on the back, her thongage pouring out of her low-rise jeans. Her skintight ballistic-armor motorcycle jacket was unzipped down to her navel.  As I sat there in the Amana-white 2008 Honda Accord EX-L sedan, she looked over at me. I knew what she was thinking. She wanted me...And why wouldn't she? The Honda Accord ska-reams confirmed heterosexual. This car ought to be issued with a complimentary pair of relaxed-fit dad jeans... To own this car is to be possessed with an inexplicable urge to trim hedges.

 

Mercedes CL63:
Let's assume there's a bright side to the universe, a place where mercy and justice prevail, where the good are rewarded and the bad punished with equal alacrity. On this sunny shore, public school teachers make six figures, all stray kittens find good homes, and yard gnomes never get their little ceramic heads caved in.  Do not look for the Mercedes-Benz CL63 AMG there.  A veritable neutron star of gas-burning evil, [it] has the power to corrupt, oh yeah, absolutely. I honestly believe if you loaned this car to Ralph Nader and Ed Begley Jr. for the weekend, by Sunday night they'd be doing doughnuts in a Ralphs parking lot.

 

Subaru Forrester:
It is in the land of the ice and snow that Subaru has made its name. With the rather embarrassing exception of the Subaru Baja, this is a Snowbelt brand, a brand for literature professors at the University of New Hampshire; for women's studies majors at Cornell, and their girlfriends; for log cabin-dwelling, geothermal-energy start-up entrepreneurs in eastern Oregon who think that plaid Woolrich jackets are evening wear and that Trader Joe's Two-Buck Chuck is grand cru.  Smart people. Interesting people. And Canadians.

 

Porsche GT2:
You may recall from your psychology classes the name Harry Harlow, a controversial researcher known for his wire monkey-surrogate mother experiments. One group of baby rhesus monkeys was taken away from its mothers and given a maternal figure made of terry cloth; another group was given a figure made of just bare wire. These experiments demonstrated the famous Harry-Harlow-was-a-toolbag principle.  In Porsche's laboratory, the new GT2 -- stripped utterly to its essentials -- is the wire monkey. To love the GT2 is to embrace its malign indifference to your well-being... The GT2's lightweighting program concludes with ditching the rear seats, tossing out all the sound-deadening material, stripping some interior panels to bare carbon fiber and supplanting the front seats with leather-lined carbon shells padded with . . . well, nothing. The resulting car is 225 pounds lighter than the 911 turbo and is about as cozy as an MRI machine.  And yet I find it hilarious that Porsche, having thus perverted the car's power-to-weight ratio, chose to retain the two swing-arm cup holders. This begs the question: What the hell is in the cups?

Time for an iPad?

I’ve never been a first adopter and I’m content for now with my lightweight Kindle.  

But the kitchen makes me want an iPad. Specifically, this guy’s kitchen  

I wish I’d had one when I bought artichokes for the first time and said “what the %”#@ do I do with these?” Much more convenient than running to the computer to Google “how to cut artichokes” or writing down recipes on paper…and possibly watch a movie or TV while cooking.  When they invent the perfect create your own cookbook app, that might make me take the plunge.

And the low-tech version…