"The Onion" style vacation report

Tourist faces criminal charges, awaiting extradition if found

A woman identified only as "Frau A" returned to Munich from a two-week holiday in the Maldives, but now has more problems than just sorting out hundreds of vacation photos.  Rather than simply enjoying a quite time in this island paradise, locals are claiming that she was a serial stalker that did nothing but harass inhabitants day and night.

According to Maldivian authorities, a large number of grievances were logged on Rangali Island and its surrounding reefs.  Reports indicate that Frau A routinely followed and photographed victims for hours at a time, even into in their private homes.  Nobody was spared - the list of complainants includes nearly every size, age, and race found among the natives.

The most chilling examples from her victims are described below:

"I was just hanging out under my favorite coral, when Frau A comes out of nowhere and sticks a camera in my face."

"I just try to blend in and mind my own business, but she has an eagle-eye and always finds me."

"I'm not colorful or flashy like others in the neighborhood, but Frau A poked her camera in my home anyway.  The surgeonfish and parrotfish must be tormented."

The experience left some residents so traumatized that they would only peek their heads through doors to speak with the news.  "Even my security system didn't help.  I'm afraid to let the kids outside."

"At least some clowns out here have a place to hide.  I'm stuck looking for holes in the coral."

"It's terrifying.  How would you feel to round a corner and be faced with this???"

Indeed, Frau A appears to be a highly sophisticated fauna-paparazza.  She employs the latest technology in her quest to capture images of locals.  Here she is seen with a kit of compressed air, 2-stage regulators, and buoyancy compensator to reach normally uninhabitable regions.

Even the toughest residents were unnerved by her incessant photography.  "It's cliched, but I tried crawling under a rock.  No luck - there she was again."

For some, the stakes were even higher.  "I felt pretty secure, until I heard that she planned a lobster barbeque on the beach.  It's not fair!"

The loudest complaints came from the stingray community, where accusations included unwanted groping.  "She put her foot over my favorite resting place, so I had to swim up and rest on it.  I felt violated."

Not all share the same viewpoint, however.  "I followed her around a bit - she's not so bad.  Just didn't give me any handouts, is all."

The Rangali Island Neighborhood Watch program has asked for your help - let the authorities know if you were stalked and photographed by this woman.  Be careful, she is considered camera-ready and dangerous.

Update:  Law enforcement has learned that Frau A worked with an accomplice called Herr J.  They want to find him and bring him in for questioning.  "Protective shell or not, I knew he was out there... helping her... looming..."

Eccentric Gazillionaire Dreams

What crazy things would you do if you were an eccentric gazillionaire?

A lot of people would have sharks with lasers à la Dr. Evil, or just sharks under the living room floor like Vector from "Despicable Me". After a couple of weeks at the beach, I know what I would do:

I want a reef-sized "aquarium" with lots of Triggerfish.  Some sharks would be cool, too, but I really want Triggerfish. They're not only beautiful, but highly intelligent and seeming to have distinct personalities.

I'd have lots of the cute little blue scaredy-cat Red-Toothed Triggerfish that hide in mini caves....

Red-Toothed Triggerfish

...more Red-Toothed Triggerfish (one of the four has already slid into a hole to hide)...

....adorable little Picasso Triggerfish....

Picasso Triggerfish

...brightly painted Clown Triggerfish.....

Clown Triggerfish...interestingly colored Orange-lined Triggerfish....

Orange-lined Triggerfish

....and of course, the big smart Titans that root around everywhere and just look squeezable.  Wouldn't he be an entertaining pet? 

I took this video while snorkeling through the reef just off our room's beach. He also has an Orange-lined friend there to catch his scraps.

Also there will be rays that I can raise from babies to know me and feed in the morning.  And Herr J wants a pet octopi or two.

Ray hiding in the sandHowever, this requires lots of space and diverse terrain.  Triggerfish need space because they don't play well together (putting it nicely).  The Red-Toothed ones need deeper water and walls with lots holes to hide in, while the Picasso are happy with a small coral formation shallow water. And the rays need a nice shallow sandy area to hang out.

More importantly, as I learned from watching one last week, Triggerfish eat hermit crabs, and hermit crabs are kinda cute. And of course I want to keep both of them.  This is where both the "eccentric" and the "gazillionaire" part are important, because the only solution I see is to get custom manufactured military grade ceramic shells for the hermit crabs to protect them from the Triggerfish. In a wide range of sizes to allow for growth, of course. 

(All of the above pictures are ones I took diving or snorkeling in the Maldives)

I think for now I'll keep diving and will see about Umbra's cool stackable fish condos, but I'm curious to know all of your eccentric gazillionaire dreams.

Haute Cuisine du Drive Thru

Check out this fun site where Erik Trinidad at Fancy Fast Food recreates fine dining entirely from items found at various fast food chains.

No idea how they taste, but they look quite impressive!

His repertoire is extensive (and strangely makes me use French words that made it into the English language)....a few favorites:

A beef carpaccio from Arby's (the Beef C’Arbysscio)

an Ossobucco creation from Burger King, the Osso BuKko

 

His descriptions often match his creations in their humor and creativity. In describing how to make the Soniccian Borscht, he writes:

Soniccian culture still hasn’t evolve from some of its former Soviet routines; one can not simply buy these fast food goods off the shelf or by ordering them from a person behind a counter. Instead you must order the items the old-fashioned way, by pushing a button on an antiquated intercom system while inside your vehicle. (At certain times during the day, there are often long waits in a long queue of other vehicles.) This ordering process is prevalent in Soniccia; even if you wish to go on foot and walk to the food establishment to buy goods, you must still push a button and order from the old intercom system. Only when your order is confirmed over the speaker does a person bring you your items — sometimes (but not always) using vintage roller skates from the early 20th century. Present day Soniccia is truly a unique nation with its cultural idiosyncracies.

I'm craving a little Chicken Chipotlioli....Enjoy!

Love in Every Language

I am usually not on the same "frequency" as a lot of German entertainment (specifically television, movies, theater).  It's interesting, but not exactly to my taste.  There are a lot of reasons including the style of humor, depth/subtlety in plot lines and acting, and overall production feel.  More detail in another post...

I was, however, introduced to a performer who is clever and gives a fun and touching show.  His name is Bodo Wartke.  He plays plays piano, makes jokes, etc. -- but it really came together when he wrote a 4-line love song and then sang it in different German dialects.  Think of an audience laughing at a love song that cycles through a New York accent, Chicago accent, and then Southern drawl.

He then extended it to other languages... 88 of them!  Even better, he created an online love song generator where you can drag and drop languages into the verses for a song and the web site assembles and performs the song for you (upts in the chorus automatically).  Then, when you have a combo of languages you like, you can download an MP3 of the song or even send one to a significant other!

The "languages" currently available are:

- 14 German "dialects"
- 4 English accents (standard, Shakespearean, "Middle English", and Australian)
- Most major European languages (French, Italian, Spanish...)
- Mandarin, Cantonese, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, and Hindi
- Yiddish, Sanscrit, Esperanto
- and three sic-fi/fantasy languages:  Klingon, Sindarin and Quenya

Yes, Klingon.

Even nicer, if you are dying to sing it yourself, you can download the piano part along and use it karaoke-style.

Here is the link to the Love Song Generator.  Click on the British flag for English.
The karoke version is also at Bodo Wartke's website.

For a taste of his live performance, here is the YouTube video:

Boy Toys

So these have nothing to do with Germany, but they're too good to pass up.  Both items are officially on the christmas list, but of course unavailable in reality.

The first toy comes from the engineering department at the University of Pennsylvania.  Quad-rotor machines making "precise, aggressive maneuvers", neither of which is an understatement:

The second is a product that could be commercially available soon (so they claim), and just performs aggressive maneuvers.  Kind of like a Segway on steroids.  And they even names their company using German spelling (BPG-Werks... like the Bayrische Motoren Werke).  Enjoy.

Monster Phone Bills

I love this commercial....it's simple and clear, and the monsters are pretty cute.  Especially the bluetooth headseat monster and his friend going through the wallet of the man in the Mercedes convertible!

A Table to Match My Shoes

So far, I haven't accomplished much during unemployment....a couple great weeks with my visiting parents, a lot of paperwork (German bureaucracy....), a couple interviews, and keeping the house clean. OK, that last one is a big one....it included totally cleaning out the kitchen and putting in some additional shelves. There's now empty storage space for new kitchen gadgets (pizza oven, here you come!)

But this week....I discovered the German versions of Home Depot and Lowe's AND gathered up the courage/vocabulary to ask them to cut some wood.  Today, I put it all together with my trusty drill and by some miracle it all worked!

Now there's a nice table in the hall to match my cute ballet flats  hall rug and red Billy bookshelves. More importantly, the Aboriginal paintings now have a home, since the walls are pretty much stone and hanging them just wasn't a good option.

A good week's work...now time to enjoy the long weekend!